#81 in the Why Doesn't That Exisist series.



   There’s a certain nervous twitch these days.

   And fair enough, right? There’s lots to twitch about. I mean, kids expect iPhones.

   People are wobbling around with a whole stack of such problems. They’re on edge and the slightest thing could tip them over. ‘We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks‘, as Bonnie Tyler wisely observed. It’s not healthy, and it’s not safe.

   And the the really scary thing is – these people are driving cars.

   Yeah, cars. One should not be in charge of a deathly crate of fast-moving metal when the slightest thing could set one off. The slightest thing – like a car horn.

   One little beep.


   When you’re on edge, no amount of soothing jazz can prevent a jaggedy honk ripping through your private bubble and launching you into flip mode. That’s why we need a different kind of car horn. The Inoffensive Car Horn.

   Right there on the wheel, on the opposite side to the regular car horn, could be The Inoffensive Car Horn. A friendly tap on the shoulder, via the ear, that says ‘Sorry, pal, just squeezing past. Nice rims, by the way!’ It’s a comradely acknowledgement that soothingly suggests ‘I’m not having a go at you, mate. It’s the bloody system… we’re in it together, you and me – us drivers of cars. But if you could just shift forward a bit…

   Instead of the usual swervy shitfight for space and auto assumption that everyone else on the road is a slobbering cretin that must have hired someone else to pass the test for them, we’d bond. We’d make friends. We’d go for a drive and maybe, just maybe, reach B slightly less on edge than when we left A.

   Clearly, this can’t fail. But there’s a fairly crucial question that needs answering before we can start making the world a better place with our horns. What would the Inoffensive Car Horn sound like? Well, several sounds are probably currently being tested. There’s a short list. First up, there’s pre-existing noises of joy, such as the laughter of babies and the deflating of an untied balloon. Then there’s the self-depreciatory honk of a clowns nose. Finally, science has engineered a sound that has described as a mild-tempered lamb expressing a short sigh of genuine delight.

   Tests, most likely, are going well, but The Inoffensive Car Horn is by no means finalised. If you have a suggestion for something you’d like to hear whilst driving on the edge of a breakdown, please feel free to send it in on the back of a stamped, addressed antelope.